I dream about them a lot.

I know I shouldn’t. It’s been almost a year now. I tell you about how often they come back to me through stifled sobs and drunken misdirection, but you keep trying to remind me of what happened to me. I write the words, knowing that you’d tell me to say “what THEY did to you.”

but i can’t

It’s like a poison. I know what it’s like to wake up after, I know the all-encompassing and crushing dread I feel when I wake up and I don’t see them next to me, but I can’t stop. I’ve tried, please believe me I’ve tried. No matter how much I bleed sweat or cry I can’t bring myself to stop.

I dream about their smell. I dream about a smile I don’t remember that well anymore, and I dream about soft whispers of “I love you” and “I miss you.” I dream about fixing all the mistakes I made, and I dream about convincing them not to leave me.

I miss the touch. I miss the uncertainty of our future. I miss the warmth of their presence. I miss warm saturday nights with them. I miss falling asleep next to them. I miss the way they’d part their hair. I miss the little things they chose to laugh about. I miss everything I choose to remember.

I don’t want to remember the times I felt scared. I don’t want to remember when they forgot about me. I don’t want to remember when they made me feel less than. i dont want to remember when they told me how choked they felt with me i dont want to remember when they left me i dont want to remember

i dont want it

i dont want it

i dont want it

i dont want it

i dont want it

why are you still here